sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
