I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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