I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
