im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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