I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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