i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
