The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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