She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
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She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
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He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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