my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
