I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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