remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
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