u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
