thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
