Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
