I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
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He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
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She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.