I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me