Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
