i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
