I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
