the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You took a bar mat shot.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
