every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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