I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
