Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
