I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
are you so shy because you have an std?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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