bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
That's how pantless uber rides happen
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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