Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
