Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
