I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
