Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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