New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
