im six kinds of drunk right now
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
