So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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