burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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