After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
