Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
how drunk are you?
Several
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
