it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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