I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
