I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
