I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He passed out mid-signature
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
