Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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