Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
