I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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