you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
