I want to walk on stilts...naked
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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