Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
