Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
