So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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