So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
