wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
