Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize