I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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