oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
