Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
