Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
