My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
